It's Only a Bad Day...

Today I walked into chaos when I walked through the doors to my second job (formerly known as my primary job). I'm usually only there a couple of days a week. I have found that while I miss the people I work with, I don't miss the job itself.

Let me tell you what happened. First of all, before I could even punch in, the one sales associate who was supposed to be my support for 4 hours called in. Then, I punched in only to find one of our registers was down. On a Saturday. When the sun was finally shining. And no one had bothered to share this information with me. We also had a new computer upgrade that is wreaking havoc with the only working computer! I texted my manager who told me to see if the other two people working later in the day could come in early. Neither were available. Which is definitely NOT their fault...people have other lives :) I had one person left to call in and she strode through the doors like Wonder Woman. She got to be my superhero today. Our day was crazy busy and, fortunately, breathing is an automatic response. When my other friend walked through the door, I had hit my limit. I was close to tears from the stress of it all and I managed to keep my shit together. Barely. Wonder Woman spent her unexpected shift dealing with the nonsense like the amazing person she is. And she handled my mood like a pro. The ray of sunshine who walked in at 2pm reminded me that I am loved and let me vent about the bullshit of the day.

I went home, took a long hot shower, ate a HUGE dinner (and am stuffed to the gills), and sat down to relax with a warm blanket. It was as I took a deep breath that I realized that I hadn't internalized the bad day I had had. I was able to process the events and put them away. It was only a bad day, not a bad life. This day will pass and will end on an up note. At the end of this day, all that will matter is that the people I call "friends" still want to be my friend. They understand the crabbiness isn't pointed in their direction, it is just the job that I despise.

This is only a bad day. The bullshit of the day will pass and when tomorrow dawns, the bullshit won't matter, but the friends will.

Caring for Myself

Let's face it, 2018 was a bitch! If it could go wrong, it did. And I think December was the culmination of a perfect storm. It all came to a head and it wasn't pretty. Health issues arose. Family stuff blew out of proportion. My dog got sick and scared the crap out of me. My job was taking over my life. I was ready to throw in the towel. 

Before the beginning of 2019, I was giving some in-depth thoughts to my life, my goals, and my dreams. I began to focus on the important things and noticed that I was not one of them. I wasn't practicing self-care in any way, shape, or form. So, I knew it was time to make a few changes.

I began to look at my life as if it were a bulletin board. One of those corky things, overstuffed with papers. For the last few years, I've just been thumbtacking things to the board and ignoring them. Book ideas, dreams, goals, hopes, ambitions...they all were piled on top of each other. 

When I decided it was time to make a change, I began to clean off the "bulletin board". Like saved yellowed receipts and newspaper clippings, photographs, souvenirs from trips, recipes, phone numbers, etc., each piece was removed one by one and examined. I began to throw away things that were no longer of use. I put the photos in a box. The recipes got tucked into my recipe book. I cleaned up my social media. I deleted apps that I no longer use. I got rid of contacts that I  no longer have contact with. I organized all of my book notes.

Once the bulletin board was cleaned off, I took a look at the blank space. I made the decision to only put the things of great importance on that board. I put a pin in the friendships that I knew would understand I needed some time to get my life together. 

I realized that I had been neglecting myself for so long. It was time to get my goals put back on track. I found a way to accomplish some things that I have had on my to-do list for a long time. I had ignored them and pushed them aside for others. 

I have started to take time for myself, too. Long hot showers with relaxing soaps, mani/pedi days, coloring my hair when it is needed, napping, relaxing, and turning off social media. I also began to appreciate the blessings that I had been given. My job isn't the center of my universe these days. When I'm home, I'm fully committed to being in the moment. Whether I am writing, cleaning, or simply hanging out, I'm present for everyone and everything. I am beginning to love my life again. My depression has lifted. My anxiety is almost nil. I'm in such an amazing place.

Some days it means I simply sit down and enjoy the quiet while drinking a cup of coffee, but damn! It feels good to put myself first for a change. After all...

You Gotta Have Faith...

Let's have a conversation about faith. It is a subject that has been on my mind a lot in the last few years. I was raised in faith and taught that faith would get me through the troubles Life would throw at me. My problem over the last few years has been that I wasn't sure what faith was. What did it look like? I've had a lot of people who have told me, "Have faith." But if I'm not sure what it looks like, how can I have it? So, I thought I'd share some things that I have discovered.

Faith isn't always about HUGE miracles. It isn't about, "Oh my god! I have a hundred people coming over for dinner. I have 2 chicken breasts and a bag of rice to feed them. God will provide." Some days faith is simply getting out of bed. For me, faith can look like me getting up and getting ready for work because I know I'll still be part of this earthly plane when the bills come due. My faith can also look like me coming home from work, taking a shower, getting into my pajamas, and crawling beneath the warm covers with a prayer on my lips, believing that there is a higher power who is listening to the things on my heart.

Lately, it has looked like me applying for a second job. I don't believe that some higher power is going to set bags of money on my doorstep and make big deposits in my bank account. However, by applying for this job, I had faith that I would get it. After months of praying and working hard, there was an open door in front of me. The job is only for a couple of months, but I would gain experience that is needed to upgrade myself to a job outside of retail in the future. It will also provide me with the means to have a bit extra to put aside for a rainy day and to pay on student loans.

I'm not a believer in big miracles. They seldom happen to people like me. However, I do believe in subtle miracles. Like praying, with tears streaming down my face, that my dog would get better. Or praying that my heart be open to accepting the love I deserve. Or believing that I would find the strength to walk away from toxic relationships that drain me. 

Faith looks so different to everybody. I've stumbled in my faith. I've pushed it aside. I've lost the majority of it. I've given up on it for the most part. Did I get the job I wanted? Hell no, but I got the job that would pay my bills each month plus give me a bit extra. It also led to this 2nd job opportunity which will definitely give me a cushion. Did I get the relationship I thought I wanted? Nope, I got something so much better! Has my faith healed my depression and anxiety? No, but it has given me the necessary tools to deal with it. Some days it simply means doing the dishes, taking a shower, and making sure the dog eats which means I eat. 

I'm not sure what your faith looks like to you. Just know that I'm not judging you. You do you and I'll do me. Together we'll make our corners of the world a little brighter, a little better, and a little kinder. However, you first have to start the kindness by being kind to yourself. 

Be humble and kind! Tell me what your faith looks like to you. I love to hear your thoughts and comments.

Have a blessed week!

It Looks Like We Made It...

As we close out the year, my Facebook feed is filled with people making lists of their accomplishments. People have traveled the world, gotten degrees, published several books, gotten their dream jobs, started their own businesses. All things that are great things! And I am so happy for them all. Then, there's me...I survived!

Yes, that is my great accomplishment for 2018...survival! I know it may not seem like much, but trust me, it has been a feat.

Depression has tried to kick my ass and some days it felt like it would succeed, but it didn't. I'm still here. I have watched my dreams get put aside because Life got in the way. My anxiety has shot through the roof. There were days when I couldn't even think of leaving my house. However, after a day of self-care, I managed to get out in the world again. I cried more tears than I have in a long time. I've hated myself, my life, and everything in between. However, I've also managed to fall in love with certain aspects of myself and laughter managed to wipe out the tears. And my dreams? Well, we'll see what comes of them. Right now, I'm not expecting much.

2018 has not been the best year on record, let me tell you! I haven't thrived in any way, shape, or form, but I have survived! To be honest, that is more important than anything. If I don't survive, I can never thrive.

So, let me tell you something. A while ago, I wrote about highlight reels and how people are only revealing their best selves on social media. They want the accolades that come with their successes. They don't show you the struggles or the downfalls they've faced.

Life has kicked my ass this year. I'm not being anything other than honest. I've scared the people who love me most. I went darker than I have gone in a very long time. But I'm still here. I'm still fighting. I keep believing that tomorrow will be a better day and the future me will find her way. People tell me that I have no faith. They're wrong!

Did you have a year where you saw dreams come true and made great strides in your life? That is great! I'm so happy for you! Did this year kick your butt? Are you still breathing and fighting for a better life? That is awesome! I'm proud of you!

I am praying that 2019 will be a better year. I hope I can find my lost path or maybe forge a new one. I hope to thrive and find a few of those long lost dreams coming to fruition. However, if I merely survive, well, that is okay, too! 

I wish you a happy and blessed New Year! Be safe! Be loved!

Angels Unaware...

This year has been a lesson in humility and patience for me. If you've read my sporadic blog posts, you know what I'm talking about. 

I've had to put things on the back burners for the time being and I've been very frustrated. My depression has spun out of control some days. I've scared more than a few of the people who love me most and for that, I am deeply sorry.

My mom sends me her morning devotions on the occasion that she feels they fit my life and are messages I need to hear. Trust me, when I tell you, I cry every single time because they hit so close to home. (Nobody knows you like your mom, I swear!) Most of the time, they are messages about believing, having faith, watering the "good" seeds, and trusting in God. What is always funny is that I've just shared my frustrations or such with someone my mother has never met, yet the next morning is a picture of her devotion with the message that I needed to hear.

Last night, I was at work. I was unpacking panties to put on the display. There are days when I hate working retail, others I'm kinda "meh" about it. Last night was a "meh" day. I got to work with my manager who I simply love working with. We have so much in common and can talk about anything with each other.

Anyway, I was standing at the packing table, unpackaging panties. There were two couples in the store. The older couple were sort of wandering around. I asked if I could help them find anything. The lady assured me that I couldn't and that they were simply there with their daughter and her husband. I went back to sorting and unpacking the panties, joking with my manager. 

The older gentleman came back to have a chat while I stood there. He was a funny man! He told me how he'd been married for 57 years and how his wife keeps him on his toes...his tiptoes. I laughed and his wife swatted him on his backside as she walked through. He went on to tell me that he'd been a store manager for JCPenney's for years. He'd been working in a factory making busses and got laid off. He needed a job so he went to work for JCPenney's. He never wanted to work retail and hated it when he started but learned to love it as he worked his way up to store manager. He said he always feels blessed to have had that opportunity and how God is good. He continued to share how he and his wife had lost a son. Their marriage was not going well and they were at odds with each other. He said that loss hurt so deeply, yet it was essential to the survival of their marriage. The petty troubles fell away as they clung to each other and fixed what was broken. And "Isn't God good?" I took a deep breath and said, "He certainly is." He, then, began to share words from each one of my mother's devotions. How the destination is amazing, but the journey is equally so. How having faith is essential to living. How God has written out every chapter of our lives and He knows how it all comes together to our advantage. He kept telling me, "God is so good." 

His wife and daughter got ready to check out so I handled their transaction. As they prepared to leave, the older gentleman stood at the counter and smiled. "Have faith, child," he said with a twinkle in his very blue eyes. And as he walked out, he turned around, "May God bless you." 

Luckily, the store was slow. I had to excuse myself because this man had touched my heart in a very profound way.

Later on, a woman and her mother came in to shop. The younger woman was looking for a new winter jacket. I assured her that the jacket she was trying on was WAY too big. Turns out that, at the age of 42, she got the surprise of a lifetime...she is pregnant! As we chatted and searched for bras, she shared her concerns for this pregnancy and how things are so different than when she was pregnant 11 years ago. She gives me hope that this particular dream of mine isn't lost yet!

The night wore on and my manager was telling me about a movie she had just watched. "I Can Only Imagine" was the title. I had heard about it, but when she shared the video to the song, I fell apart...again. She understands my heart better than most as we both lost our fathers...our rocks. We spent the evening discussing the men who had raised us. Two very different men from two very different walks of life, but two men who had raised their daughters with love, laughter, and strength. She lost her dad at the tender age of 20 while my loss was 20 years later. However, we each wonder how different our lives would be if they were still with us. Two very different women from two very different walks of life, yet our hearts are drawn together by the love of our daddies.

These things seem to be very important as Christmas approaches...rapidly. Like I said, this year has been one of frustration, humility, and learning patience. My mom tells me that I am working where I am for a reason. After last night, I'm beginning to see that she isn't wrong. 

Things will be crazy in my life for the holidays, but I want to take a moment to thank each and every one of you for walking with me on this journey. From my house to yours, I wish you a very happy holiday season! Blessings and love to you all :) 

Egads...the Holidays!

Today is one of those rare things when you work retail...a day off. I have been through my older blog posts, written a bit of a dream that has been weighing on my mind, and watched some Netflix. It was as I was going through blog posts that I realized that I haven't written one in quite a bit. And with the holidays rapidly approaching, I probably should write out something.

The holidays have always been a rough time for me (and I'm sure many of you as well) since I became an adult. Things just don't mean the same things as they used to. And working in retail gives you a perspective on humans and their perceptions of the holiday season that you cannot unsee. 

Everyone is so worried about spending X amount of dollars or getting the newest and latest gadgets, toys, or games. So few people give gifts from the heart these days. It's not the thought behind the gift anymore, it is all about the price tag. That seriously breaks my heart. After 55 years and 3 productions of "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" have we learned nothing?

Jim Carrey's version is by far my favorite, but I'm also a HUGE fan of the Boris Karloff version I watched as a kid. However, I think, for me, the Carrey/Howard production takes the story to a new level, demonstrating the greed that goes along with this time of year. Everyone is trying to outdo each other with Christmas lights, gifts, and family accomplishments. 

Last year I wrote a blog post about the Christmas where my brother drew the cards and I wrote the verse. My mom glued them together and sent them out. Did I realize how poor we were? No! I thought it was a fun collaboration. We got a lot of handmade gifts from Mom and Dad that year. I never gave a thought to the reason we received handmade gifts. There were plenty of presents under the tree and even more love surrounding it. 

A friend of mine posted a question on Facebook the other day. She asked, "What was your favorite Christmas gift that you received when you were a child?" I actually had to think hard on it. Why? Because as I look back, the entire holiday was my gift. Spending time in the kitchen with my mom, my dad hanging out and hand stirring the fudge while singing along with the radio, my brother decorating the cookies as we frosted them. It was the best time of year for me.

I never had the latest styles or the newest technologies, but I don't remember a lot of the gifts I received anyway. Maybe, just maybe, Christmas really doesn't come from a store. It really may be all about the feelings and love that are supposed to come with the season and all year through.

Saying "Thank You."

When I started this blog, it was all about my books and I kept my personal life pretty separate. However, I quickly found that my personal life influenced my books, my writing, and oftentimes, my lack thereof.

I get inquiries of a more forceful persuasion from some people who want to know why I'm not writing more and pumping out books. My answer is "Life." Life has this way of just getting in the way and ripping away the muses that fuel the writing that I want to do. I'm not living my best life, I'm surviving, at best. However, I'm still here and I'm working hard. Please be patient with me.

I wanted to thank you for standing by and reading my blogposts. I write these to get the thoughts and feelings out of my head, but I'm hoping they help others feel that they aren't alone in this world. 

My goal in this lifetime is to touch people and to make a difference in their lives. I'm not sure if I'm doing it or if I'm just floating along, but if you're still here and reading my posts, then maybe I'm touching you in some way.

So, on the American day for giving thanks and showing our gratefulness, I want to say "Thank you" for sticking with me on this journey of growth and self-discovery. You support me and lift me up during my darkest hours. I cannot thank you enough for reading these rantings and ramblings.

Bright blessings to you and yours!