It Looks Like We Made It...

As we close out the year, my Facebook feed is filled with people making lists of their accomplishments. People have traveled the world, gotten degrees, published several books, gotten their dream jobs, started their own businesses. All things that are great things! And I am so happy for them all. Then, there's me...I survived!

Yes, that is my great accomplishment for 2018...survival! I know it may not seem like much, but trust me, it has been a feat.

Depression has tried to kick my ass and some days it felt like it would succeed, but it didn't. I'm still here. I have watched my dreams get put aside because Life got in the way. My anxiety has shot through the roof. There were days when I couldn't even think of leaving my house. However, after a day of self-care, I managed to get out in the world again. I cried more tears than I have in a long time. I've hated myself, my life, and everything in between. However, I've also managed to fall in love with certain aspects of myself and laughter managed to wipe out the tears. And my dreams? Well, we'll see what comes of them. Right now, I'm not expecting much.

2018 has not been the best year on record, let me tell you! I haven't thrived in any way, shape, or form, but I have survived! To be honest, that is more important than anything. If I don't survive, I can never thrive.

So, let me tell you something. A while ago, I wrote about highlight reels and how people are only revealing their best selves on social media. They want the accolades that come with their successes. They don't show you the struggles or the downfalls they've faced.

Life has kicked my ass this year. I'm not being anything other than honest. I've scared the people who love me most. I went darker than I have gone in a very long time. But I'm still here. I'm still fighting. I keep believing that tomorrow will be a better day and the future me will find her way. People tell me that I have no faith. They're wrong!

Did you have a year where you saw dreams come true and made great strides in your life? That is great! I'm so happy for you! Did this year kick your butt? Are you still breathing and fighting for a better life? That is awesome! I'm proud of you!

I am praying that 2019 will be a better year. I hope I can find my lost path or maybe forge a new one. I hope to thrive and find a few of those long lost dreams coming to fruition. However, if I merely survive, well, that is okay, too! 

I wish you a happy and blessed New Year! Be safe! Be loved!

Angels Unaware...

This year has been a lesson in humility and patience for me. If you've read my sporadic blog posts, you know what I'm talking about. 

I've had to put things on the back burners for the time being and I've been very frustrated. My depression has spun out of control some days. I've scared more than a few of the people who love me most and for that, I am deeply sorry.

My mom sends me her morning devotions on the occasion that she feels they fit my life and are messages I need to hear. Trust me, when I tell you, I cry every single time because they hit so close to home. (Nobody knows you like your mom, I swear!) Most of the time, they are messages about believing, having faith, watering the "good" seeds, and trusting in God. What is always funny is that I've just shared my frustrations or such with someone my mother has never met, yet the next morning is a picture of her devotion with the message that I needed to hear.

Last night, I was at work. I was unpacking panties to put on the display. There are days when I hate working retail, others I'm kinda "meh" about it. Last night was a "meh" day. I got to work with my manager who I simply love working with. We have so much in common and can talk about anything with each other.

Anyway, I was standing at the packing table, unpackaging panties. There were two couples in the store. The older couple were sort of wandering around. I asked if I could help them find anything. The lady assured me that I couldn't and that they were simply there with their daughter and her husband. I went back to sorting and unpacking the panties, joking with my manager. 

The older gentleman came back to have a chat while I stood there. He was a funny man! He told me how he'd been married for 57 years and how his wife keeps him on his toes...his tiptoes. I laughed and his wife swatted him on his backside as she walked through. He went on to tell me that he'd been a store manager for JCPenney's for years. He'd been working in a factory making busses and got laid off. He needed a job so he went to work for JCPenney's. He never wanted to work retail and hated it when he started but learned to love it as he worked his way up to store manager. He said he always feels blessed to have had that opportunity and how God is good. He continued to share how he and his wife had lost a son. Their marriage was not going well and they were at odds with each other. He said that loss hurt so deeply, yet it was essential to the survival of their marriage. The petty troubles fell away as they clung to each other and fixed what was broken. And "Isn't God good?" I took a deep breath and said, "He certainly is." He, then, began to share words from each one of my mother's devotions. How the destination is amazing, but the journey is equally so. How having faith is essential to living. How God has written out every chapter of our lives and He knows how it all comes together to our advantage. He kept telling me, "God is so good." 

His wife and daughter got ready to check out so I handled their transaction. As they prepared to leave, the older gentleman stood at the counter and smiled. "Have faith, child," he said with a twinkle in his very blue eyes. And as he walked out, he turned around, "May God bless you." 

Luckily, the store was slow. I had to excuse myself because this man had touched my heart in a very profound way.

Later on, a woman and her mother came in to shop. The younger woman was looking for a new winter jacket. I assured her that the jacket she was trying on was WAY too big. Turns out that, at the age of 42, she got the surprise of a lifetime...she is pregnant! As we chatted and searched for bras, she shared her concerns for this pregnancy and how things are so different than when she was pregnant 11 years ago. She gives me hope that this particular dream of mine isn't lost yet!

The night wore on and my manager was telling me about a movie she had just watched. "I Can Only Imagine" was the title. I had heard about it, but when she shared the video to the song, I fell apart...again. She understands my heart better than most as we both lost our fathers...our rocks. We spent the evening discussing the men who had raised us. Two very different men from two very different walks of life, but two men who had raised their daughters with love, laughter, and strength. She lost her dad at the tender age of 20 while my loss was 20 years later. However, we each wonder how different our lives would be if they were still with us. Two very different women from two very different walks of life, yet our hearts are drawn together by the love of our daddies.

These things seem to be very important as Christmas approaches...rapidly. Like I said, this year has been one of frustration, humility, and learning patience. My mom tells me that I am working where I am for a reason. After last night, I'm beginning to see that she isn't wrong. 

Things will be crazy in my life for the holidays, but I want to take a moment to thank each and every one of you for walking with me on this journey. From my house to yours, I wish you a very happy holiday season! Blessings and love to you all :) 

Egads...the Holidays!

Today is one of those rare things when you work retail...a day off. I have been through my older blog posts, written a bit of a dream that has been weighing on my mind, and watched some Netflix. It was as I was going through blog posts that I realized that I haven't written one in quite a bit. And with the holidays rapidly approaching, I probably should write out something.

The holidays have always been a rough time for me (and I'm sure many of you as well) since I became an adult. Things just don't mean the same things as they used to. And working in retail gives you a perspective on humans and their perceptions of the holiday season that you cannot unsee. 

Everyone is so worried about spending X amount of dollars or getting the newest and latest gadgets, toys, or games. So few people give gifts from the heart these days. It's not the thought behind the gift anymore, it is all about the price tag. That seriously breaks my heart. After 55 years and 3 productions of "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" have we learned nothing?

Jim Carrey's version is by far my favorite, but I'm also a HUGE fan of the Boris Karloff version I watched as a kid. However, I think, for me, the Carrey/Howard production takes the story to a new level, demonstrating the greed that goes along with this time of year. Everyone is trying to outdo each other with Christmas lights, gifts, and family accomplishments. 

Last year I wrote a blog post about the Christmas where my brother drew the cards and I wrote the verse. My mom glued them together and sent them out. Did I realize how poor we were? No! I thought it was a fun collaboration. We got a lot of handmade gifts from Mom and Dad that year. I never gave a thought to the reason we received handmade gifts. There were plenty of presents under the tree and even more love surrounding it. 

A friend of mine posted a question on Facebook the other day. She asked, "What was your favorite Christmas gift that you received when you were a child?" I actually had to think hard on it. Why? Because as I look back, the entire holiday was my gift. Spending time in the kitchen with my mom, my dad hanging out and hand stirring the fudge while singing along with the radio, my brother decorating the cookies as we frosted them. It was the best time of year for me.

I never had the latest styles or the newest technologies, but I don't remember a lot of the gifts I received anyway. Maybe, just maybe, Christmas really doesn't come from a store. It really may be all about the feelings and love that are supposed to come with the season and all year through.

Saying "Thank You."

When I started this blog, it was all about my books and I kept my personal life pretty separate. However, I quickly found that my personal life influenced my books, my writing, and oftentimes, my lack thereof.

I get inquiries of a more forceful persuasion from some people who want to know why I'm not writing more and pumping out books. My answer is "Life." Life has this way of just getting in the way and ripping away the muses that fuel the writing that I want to do. I'm not living my best life, I'm surviving, at best. However, I'm still here and I'm working hard. Please be patient with me.

I wanted to thank you for standing by and reading my blogposts. I write these to get the thoughts and feelings out of my head, but I'm hoping they help others feel that they aren't alone in this world. 

My goal in this lifetime is to touch people and to make a difference in their lives. I'm not sure if I'm doing it or if I'm just floating along, but if you're still here and reading my posts, then maybe I'm touching you in some way.

So, on the American day for giving thanks and showing our gratefulness, I want to say "Thank you" for sticking with me on this journey of growth and self-discovery. You support me and lift me up during my darkest hours. I cannot thank you enough for reading these rantings and ramblings.

Bright blessings to you and yours! 

Taking a Backroad

photo by Bill Wakely

I think I've established over the years of writing this blog that I am a country girl. A farmer's daughter who just wants to return to the life of serenity.

I've been reflecting on this last year and the journey that has led me to the place I find myself. I feel like I'm so far off the main road in this journey that I may never return to it. However, someone said something that smacked me over the head. Bear with me for a minute here, okay? 

What if I'm supposed to be off the main road? What if I am supposed to be cruising the backroads of life with the windows down and the music up? Isn't that where most of the fun happens?

I have a lot of memories of getting in the car and simply driving with the windows down and the music up. My parents were always ones to do this when I was younger. As I reached my teen years, my best friend/sister of my heart and I spent many hours and more tanks of gas than I can count, driving on the backroads. Those were always times of laughter, singing with the radio, and the best conversations! Even as I've begun my life over again (more times than I can count), this is still one of my favorite things to do...drive the backroads.

It is the backroads where you find the neatest places. Fruit and veggie stands run by old men with a million and one stories to share, little Mom and Pop shops with unique items, diners with regulars who give directions by telling you to "turn left at the Hopkin's farm, go past the gnarled maple that was struck by lightning, then head east past the old apple orchard." The backroads are where all the interesting characters enter your life. And sometimes these characters are merely a butterfly wing's brush over your life. However, on occasion, one of these characters may set up shop and become a big part of your life.

So, I'm beginning to think that is what I'm doing on this life's journey at the moment. I've got the windows down and the music up, driving as slow as I can, savoring the smells, the peace, and the characters who show up to enhance my life. Learning to live, laugh, and love as I go. Maybe, just maybe, that backroad will lead me back to the girl I used to be.

But I Had a Plan...

Lately, people have been teasing me. It all comes from a place of love, but still... I've been upset with the way my life is going. I had a plan for my life. This is definitely NOT what I had in mind. 

See, I'm a planner. I have had my life planned out for a long time. I was in my senior year of high school when I was asked to write out a timeline of what my life would look like. I had it planned out so very well. From marriage to births of children to anniversary vacations and retirement, I had it all figured out. Care to guess what happened? That's right...it all went south early on! 

I got married. We did it all exactly like we were supposed to. We began to plan for kids, bought a home...then after months of testing and temperature taking, the doctor called to say that for some reason I couldn't have kids...2 weeks after buying our house. It was at that point that the marriage began to fall apart, too. 

Divorce wasn't part of my life plan. Neither was losing my dad or starting over at an age I don't admit to many. Life took turns that I couldn't see coming. 

Most people in my life would tell you that I am a worrier. I like to think of myself as a planner. I like to know where I'm heading and I hate surprises. I hate not knowing what is going to happen. I tend to overthink things to death. In some cases, that is not a bad thing. In most other cases, well...


At this age, I had intended on being close to having my house paid off...not renting. I was going to be sending my kids off to college. I was going to have my degree and be working my dream job, not working retail, hoping to make enough to pay my bills every month.

I was talking to one of my co-workers the other day. She's around my age and in a similar dilemma. She didn't expect to be the place she's in at this age either. Neither of us dreamed we'd be starting over at this age. We had similar dreams. Being married, celebrating years of happiness like our parents did. Owning our own homes with big family holidays and everybody gathered around our tables. Not starting over, hoping to find those special someones to love our broken, scarred, and battered hearts. Not renting our homes and dealing with landlords. And we both certainly expected to be in better economic situations than we are in.

It made me feel good to know I wasn't alone in this situation. And this is how the idea for this blogpost came to be. If you're having the same thoughts or feelings, please know that you are not alone. Whether you're in the middle of starting a new life, dealing with empty nest syndrome, or simply attempting to figure out the next step, you are definitely not alone in this. An author friend once told me, "When you find yourself sitting in a dark room and you're feeling all alone, reach out your hand. I'll be right there to hold on with you until the light returns."

Where I am is not where I intended to be, however, everyone keeps telling me that I am here for a reason. What that reason is, I have no clue. Maybe I'm here to be a blessing or a lesson to someone else or maybe I'm the one who will be blessed or taught a lesson. I don't know, but...

I had a plan...dammit!

Another Brick in the Wall...

Sorry I've gone for so long. Had some things I need to work through.

Without a date in sight, I've had to work past the fear that I may never return to school. That means putting a lot of my dreams aside and looking at the future. However, that made me sad and my depression amped back up. So, I had to look at where I am and learn to make the best of every single day.

See, I have a job that I really don't care for, but there's a problem...I'm good at it! LOL I don't despise it like I did. It just isn't where I want to be. I keep being told there is a reason I am in this place, so I'm learning to just go with it. I don't mind the people like I did. I've learned that I am more like my grandmother than I ever dreamed possible. Hahahaha

This job requires me to take care of myself a bit better. I need to look a particular way when I go to work which means that I have to pay a bit more attention to me. I polish my nails, put on make-up, do my hair, and dress nicer. I interact with people who aren't always the kindest people, yet I get some people who absolutely make my day. So, not only am I learning to be kinder to myself, I'm learning to be kinder to others.

I've also got some downtime. Lately, I've been using it to just push past the brick wall in front of which I find myself. I may have to take it apart brick by brick, but I'll get through it somehow. 

However, I've also been writing. Yes, actually working on a book! No promises on when it will be finished. I've got a tough scene coming up and it is tearing me apart to write it, but it needs to be done. I've also been working on redesigning the covers so that they reflect more of me and my style. I've waffled back and forth quite a bit about changing my author name. After my divorce, I just don't feel right about using the last name, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there. 

So, I haven't forgotten about you, this blog, or the books. I've just had a lot on my mind that needed to be worked through. While I'm still a long way from finished, I am feeling better day by day. 

Suicide Awareness Month

September is Suicide Awareness Month, in case you didn't know. Not a lot of attention is brought to it because, let's face it, this is still a very hard subject to discuss. It isn't a commonly talked about topic and, in truthfulness and my opinion, we need to destroy the stigma around it. I'm just as guilty of this as anyone so today I'm opening up my world to allow you to peek inside.

If you know anything about me, then you know our veterans are very dear to me. I have loved many in this lifetime and I'm honored to call many of them my friends. According to the VA, there is an average of 20.6 suicides amongst this group. DAILY! And while these numbers include active service members, it still is 20.6 too many. I'm the daughter of a Vietnam veteran. This used to be a very real part of my daily life...keeping my dad here for as long as I could. Some days were easy, others not so much. My dad saw war and did things of which he was not proud. These things weighed on his soul. Watching it wear away at him was not something I'd wish on anyone. With the other veterans I love, I can see the hauntings in their eyes some days. It is terrifying to think of losing any of them. Fortunately, my dad didn't die by suicide, at least not in the conventional sense, he drank himself to death while those around him watched it happen. 

My grandpa, however, did. My grandpa was one of the strongest people I knew. One day, something just snapped and he took his own life. Devastated doesn't even begin to express how we all felt.  Shocked. Surprised. Puzzled. Looking back at the events that led to that horrific day, I understand how that was the route that he took. He'd watched the two women he had loved in this life die. He'd had some health issues that led to him having dietary restrictions. Friends had died. He was taking sleeping pills in order to sleep at night. Grandkids had grown up and had lives of their own. I think he felt alone and I truly understand why he chose to leave on his terms.

I'd be lying if I said I hadn't considered this on more than one occasion. Life has been difficult and some days I just get tired of it all. My depression rides me hard and I struggle to breathe when that happens. On those days, I wonder if anyone would miss me if I was gone. Then, I think of those I love and fight through it. I really do want to see where this life takes me. So far the journey has had a lot of twists and turns. But in the midst of it all, it is a battle that I wonder if I can win. A friend once told me "When it is the darkest, reach out your hand and you'll find someone reaching back for you." So, that's what I do. And I hold on for dear life!

Suicide should not be viewed as a weakness or a sin. It merely is. In this world, it is an inevitable thing with which most of us will have dealings. We need to have conversations with our children, our friends, our family members, and even acquaintances. Removing the stigma around mental illness would help. Teaching our children that bullying is NOT okay would help. Recognizing the signs of depression would help. There is help out there. It needs to be more accessible to people.

And in case you need to hear it today, you are a beloved and cherished part of this universe. You are uniquely you and nobody can be a better you than you! Hold on, it will get better! If you feel like you've lost all hope, reach into the darkness and find that hand reaching back for you. 

"Where Were You?"

This is the question of the day, am I right? We have children who have no recollection of the events of 9-11 and the question is being asked almost everywhere.

This is the same question I remember asking my parents when I was in high school, studying the assassination of President Kennedy. Both of them told me exactly where they were, what they were wearing, how they felt, and the reactions of those people around them. I never dreamed I'd have a day like that in my lifetime.

I lived on Long Island for a little bit in 1990. I made friends there. I met firemen and police officers there. So, my reaction was a bit different from other people who lived in my small Michigan town. 

I was actually still in bed when the radio kicked on to tell us that a plane had hit the Twin Towers. I thought "What a sick fucking joke! This is cruel and ridiculous!" However, I got up and turned on the Today show...after all, Katie Couric wasn't going to lie to me. As I tuned in, the second plane hit and my heart broke. Did I have people I knew and cared about in those towers? I didn't know, but these were my fellow men and women. These people were someone's children, parents, siblings, significant others, and the world became so much smaller to me. I woke up my ex-husband who reluctantly got up and came into the living room to watch the world fall apart. We stayed glued to the television all day long except for when we had to walk the dogs. The disbelief of this tragedy flooded my mind.

We lived on a pretty busy highway, but everything went silent. There was no traffic. The night sky, usually alight with planes, was completely dark except for the stars. It was eerie how silent everything became. We pulled our mattress into the living room and slept on the floor in front of the television that was on 24 hours a day. Life as we knew it was changing and changing fast. 

As I look back on the events of 9-11 and the weeks that followed, hearing the stories of survivors and family members reminded me that love still exists in this world. My favorite line from Love Actually makes reference to this: 

So, I guess that is something I will carry with me for the rest of my life. I may have been living in a small town in Michigan, watching the news and praying for the people I knew and cared about and even those I'd never met. But it was the way the humans on this planet came together in love and compassion that will remain ingrained in my memory. In this day and age, those are two things that are in extremely short supply.

They Say "Hope Floats"...

 

This has not been my week. I have had the one setback that I simply couldn't afford at this juncture. I found out that I have maxed out my loans and can no longer afford to be in school.

To say my heart is broken is putting it lightly. My heart is shattered and my soul is grieving. I have been on this journey for so long and now...now, I'm lost.

I haven't been this lost in years. For the first time in my life, I had a dream of my own to focus on. I had a vision. I had faith. I had hope. 

Hope...it's funny that everyone keeps telling me to keep my faith strong, my hope alive, and be patient. For someone like me, that's very hard to do. I'm very much the perfectionist overachiever. Without a dream to work toward, I'm at a loss of what I'm supposed to focus on.

I've cried so much over this, but it seems as if the yellow brick road is covered in brambles again and is a bit broken up at the moment. However, that poppy field over yonder is looking pretty comfortable and it may be just what I need at the moment. Find my new purpose. Focus on what needs to be done. And maybe the yellow brick road can be repaired. 

Maybe the passion will return and I'll be back to myself in no time. Maybe, just maybe, hope will float up.

Highlight Reels

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. My insecurities and black moods have been bad. I've spent time meditating and getting away from technology. I've even turned off my phone.

I know what you're thinking...if you're depressed, is shutting out the entire world the answer? For me, it is. See, I, like a lot of people, compare my life to everyone else's. This friend has an amazing family life. This friend is having a great time with friends and family. Another friend got a wonderful job promotion. Yet another one bought a beautiful new home. Another is on a vacation with the love of their life. I'm looking at everyone's highlight reels.

Life is made up of all kinds of moments, but we tend to only share the great ones with our online friends. They don't see our struggles, our loneliness, our arguments, or our sacrifices. We don't get to see everyone's blooper reel or behind the scenes moments. 

I'm guilty of the same things. I made the Dean's List, but what you don't know is how hard I've struggled to get there. You don't know that this is the first semester that I haven't been on academic probation since transferring to this school. I got a promotion at work, but you don't see how much I despise going to this job every day or the fact that I often cry when I come home from this job. I post a bunch of things about keeping your faith strong, yet my faith falters constantly. I am not nearly as strong as I pretend to be. 

As proud of myself as I am, I compare my life to everyone else's. I'm not proud that I do that, but I do. No one has walked the same path that I have nor have I walked theirs. They don't know the struggles I've faced nor do they know mine.

I guess my words of advice are these: When I say "Be humble and kind," I don't mean you should be that to only others. Be humble and kind to yourself as well. Not everyone's life is made up of perfect moments. Don't compare your life to theirs. Your journey is your journey. Their journey is theirs. No two lives are the same. No two struggles are the same. Be proud of your life and what has led you to the place you're in. Stand proud! Stand strong! The bad times don't last forever, but neither to the good ones. Life is about learning moments. So, what will you learn from yours?

In Not Of...

My mother once told me, "Be in the world, not of it." I've pondered on this a lot lately. I've noticed more of my old-fashioned values and style bleeding through. I just cannot change that. I was raised in a very different manner than some and I cannot become less than I was raised to be.

This meme has been in my feed a lot lately. It may be the universe is sending me a message that I need to pay attention to. So, I'm going to share it with you:

I've been questioning my purpose here in this Life a lot lately. My mom sent me a message saying "I wish your mirror showed you just how incredible a woman you are!!  The day will come when you see that you have made this world a better place just by being in it...I can hardly wait." Maybe that is all my purpose is...being a part of this world.

It may be that I paid a compliment to someone who was having a bad day. It may be the smile I give to someone walking down the street. Maybe it is taking an extra moment to look at their son's wedding pictures though you've never met him. Maybe it is touching the arm of that cute boy in math class to assure him that he's not alone on this journey. Maybe it's turning off your technology and connecting with the man with that charismatic smile. Maybe it's holding the baby of the mother who is trying to shop but can't because the baby is too fussy. Maybe, just maybe, it's changing people's lives in little ways. And even more important, maybe it isn't the fact that you are changing theirs, maybe it is that these people are changing you!

So, for today, maybe we could all practice being in the world, but not of it.

Bright blessings to you and yours!

Buttons

Yesterday, I was playing on Pinterest before work. It was an attempt to de-stress before I walked into the job that I loathe. There was a couple of pics of buttons that caught my eye. I thought "Hmmm...interesting, but why are these in my feed? I haven't pinned anything crafty in...well, forever." If there had been only a few pics, I'd have let them go. However, the more I scrolled, the more buttons there were. I said "Okay, I hear ya!" and I started a board specifically for buttons.

What this process did was open a vast well of memories. Sitting with my mom at her sewing machine with a needle, thread, and her button box, threading buttons onto the string while she sewed clothes. Going through my grandma's button boxes searching for treasures. For me, every button told a story.

 

Button boxes are things of the past, I think. However, I have a button box from my grandma. In it is a set of buttons from a pair of her mother's shoes, buttons from my mother's childhood dresses, a button from an old military uniform plus buttons from my grandpa's shirts. I also have a button box that belonged to my mom. There are buttons from the many clothes she made over the years. 

See I love the smell of these button boxes. That musty smell that only comes with age. But it is the fact that each button in those boxes tells a story. Even the ones that are still on the cards that my mom had purchased. I wrote my grandma a poem about her button box one year. Yeah, that's how much I love the stories and memories lovingly tucked inside each of these boxes.

A year or so ago, someone very dear to me went to a garage sale. They will claim that they had no idea why they bought me the gift that they did. They just saw it and thought it might be something I'd enjoy. I opened the top of the old Ball jar with the old metal and wax lid and sniffed as deeply as if they were a bouquet of the most exotic flowers. Inside was a bunch of buttons. Wooden ones, metal ones, resin ones, and even some painted ones. They are so beautiful and so special to me.

In an age of underappreciated things and often overlooked items, button boxes, to me, are the treasure troves filled with memories and stories. So whatever the universe was trying to tell me, I heard. 

Buttons, people, are my special obsession. Always have been and seems like it always will be.

My First Movie

I've been retracing a lot of steps I've taken throughout my life and reliving some of the joys. I need to remember the joys instead of the pain Life has delivered, so I've been reminiscing.

My mom will tell you that one of the first movies I saw in the theater made me cry. Well, let's be real here. The woman took me to see Bambi! Even the daughter of a hunter is going to shed a tear at that one. Hell, if I'm being honest with you, I still do! I own Bambi and Bambi II on DVD and when I'm feeling nostalgic, I will pull them out to watch.

Funny enough, I don't remember that event, but I do remember another. My grandma took us grandkids to see For the Love of Benji. If you remember Benji, you know he was this tough little dog who had some great adventures. 

I was a little girl, all dressed up with ribbons and bows. My grandma made the grandsons sit closer to her because, well, they were a bit more rowdy than I. There were two teenage girls sitting beside me. We were sitting in the small theater in my hometown and I was so excited to be at the movies! It was a big deal for me! The movie is playing and all is going well. Grandma had hushed the boys for probably the millionth time. Then, Benji gets hurt! OMG! It devastated my world! How could that happen? And I, once again, burst into tears! 

Looking back, I feel so bad for those girls sitting beside me that day. They simply wanted to see a movie and they get stuck next to a little girl whose heart broke over an animal getting hurt on the screen. The one girl put her arm around me and comforted the sobbing mess that was me. "Look," she said, "see? Benji is going to be fine!" The little dog had gotten up and was alive! 

I made it through the rest of the movie just fine. The boys, of course, had to tease me. Grandma said "It was only a movie! What were you crying for?" (She was always a bit more baffled by me. She loved having a granddaughter, but my sensitivity was a bit much for her at times.) We went across the street to Circus Circus (which is now a parking lot) for ice cream afterward.

Let me tell you something: An animal gets hurt in a book or on the screen? Even at my age, I still cry! I've always had a soft heart when it comes to animals and I'm fairly sure I always will. (I watched I Am Legend and refuse to watch it again!)

Tomorrow it will be 18 years since my grandma left this earthly realm and I miss her each and every day. However, I remember so many times I got to spend with her, doing fun and amazing things. This is just one!

Tell me: What was the first movie you remember seeing? 

Judge Ye Not...

I had a blog post all written. I was on my soapbox complaining about people who feel entitled to things they cannot afford. It was a good blog post. Except for one thing...I was not being humble OR kind. I was being sort of bitchy...okay, more than sort of.

 

I'm financially frustrated and it was showing. Someone I love and respect read the blog post, told me that it was really good, then said "However, you tell everyone to be humble and kind to one another, but how is this humble or kind? It's neither of those things. You're judging people based on YOUR measuring stick of ethics, morals, and values. Not everyone can be held to your standards. It's not realistic and, quite frankly, it's not right."

I went back and re-read what I'd written. This person was right! (And I HATE to admit that :) ) I was being mean because they're doing things that I don't agree with. They're not harming anyone. They're not doing anything other than what they believe is right. Do I agree with it? No, but it isn't my place to judge.

See, dear readers, I have a purpose for writing this. I could have simply deleted the blog post that I'd written and called it a day. However, I also vowed from Day One of this blog that I would always show you that I am human, that I hurt, that I make mistakes, and I have flaws. I wasn't going to merely show you the highlight reel. I wanted to show you the bloopers and the really bad shit that hits me from time to time. And sometimes I need a kick in the ass to bring me back to the reality of it all.

So, here I am, telling you how human I really am! My morals, values, and ethics aren't without their flaws, but they belong to me and no one else. They are also not the basis on which I should judge the world. If I did that with everyone in my life, I would be more alone than I ever could imagine.

Because I need to be reminded today, always be humble and kind! You don't know someone else's journey or reasoning behind their actions. Love each other! Show compassion and empathy!  And be good to one another!

Birthdays

Anyone who knows me is highly aware of how much I HATE celebrating my birthday. For years, I've said "It is just another day. It's nothing special." It is just a day where I'm reminded how old I am and I'm tired of being reminded that time is rolling by. I want to grab onto the bumper of time and hold on, slowing it down.

I haven't always hated it. I'm not sure when it started exactly, but I'm guessing around the time I turned 30 and saw life passing me by. I had so much I wanted to accomplish and no idea how to do it. 

Now, I'm accomplishing goals and checking things off my list left and right. I'm enjoying my life and I want it to slow down a little bit so I can make sure I have time.

My mom and me with my cousins, Mark and Doug

This is a big year for me. I'm heading into a downhill slide toward a number I'm not ready to face. I have so much left to do and as the numbers go up, I find myself panicking because I may never see the fulfillment of some of the things I want to do. I just don't feel like celebrating this year.

The other day I was told, "Did you ever stop to think it is the day of the year where we get to celebrate you? That it is maybe the one day of the year where those who love you get to be grateful that you were born into this world? Maybe you could be a bit happier since while yes, the number goes up every year, some people aren't as fortunate. And what about your mom? She went through pain for you and if for no other reason, it is a day SHE gets to celebrate."

So, I took a step back and let the words sink in. Okay, this hit me in the head like a ton of bricks. I hadn't stopped to see it that way before and have had to admit that I've been more than a bit selfish through the years.

One of the only pictures I have of my dad smiling

So, here I am, embarking on another year. And while I'm quite anxious to see where this one leads, I can only hope that it is as deliriously wonderful as the last few years have been. I've been blessed in ways others haven't been and for that I am grateful. I have so much left to do!

My grandma always said "Time flies when you're having fun," so I must be having the time of my life :) But my uncle would always say that he'd never laid the last brick on one project before starting the next. His reasoning? "God can't call me home until the job is done." So, I'll keep having fun, but I'm not going to finish one job before I start another. That way, I'm serving a purpose, right? LOL

Here's a big thank you to my mom! For carrying me under her heart and in her heart from the very beginning, for putting up with a daughter who seems scattered, but really had a purpose, and for loving me through all the bullshit! On my birthday, I am celebrating her and all she's done for me!