The Hardest Words to Say

Somebody shared a meme similar to this the other day and I laughed. Out of these 3 things, Worcestershire sauce is the easiest for me to say. "I was wrong" is even easier to say than #2.

I am an "I love you" whore! I tell everyone who matters in my life that I love them, but "I need you"? Those words seldom cross my lips.

Things have been a bit difficult in my life lately. While I have friends to turn to, saying, "I need you" is extremely hard for me to say. I don't want others to hold space for me. Everyone has so much going on in their lives and I feel like my shit is just that...shit.

Now, I know there is at least one person reading this who is thinking that she and I are going to tussle because I will hold space for her no matter what. When everything goes pear-shaped in her life, I will drop whatever I'm doing to be there. When she says, "I need some Boo time," I rearrange whatever I can for her. 

Let's be clear: I have people who will drop everything...IF I would just ask. I just don't ask. My Boo and my Peanut? They'd move heaven and earth for me if I only said, "I need you." 

I like to be needed. It helps me push my drama aside for awhile to focus on someone else. I just hate to need others. For so long, I have lived my life without needing someone to lean on. And needing someone has the connotation (in my mind) of being too weak to handle my shit myself. 

I do know that there is strength in saying the words, "I need you." And when others say those words to me, my first thought is "How can I help you carry the weight that is on your heart?" But my flawed thinking has me believing that if I ask for time or help, then I am being judged for being weak.

Tell me: What words are hardest for you to say? How are you learning to say them anyway?

A Little Something I Wrote

The other day this piece popped into my head. I could literally see the story playing out. This hasn't happened in a while which told me that this was an important piece to write. 

I shared it with a friend who called in "heartbreaking" and that's exactly the thing. My heart was breaking and I needed to write the pain out. 

I thought I'd share it with you.

The Slow Death

Plain as she can be, she never dreamed she’d be here. In this place. In this time. Staring down the barrel of several loaded guns. Caught in the crosshairs. Waiting for the one willing to pull the trigger.

Her deer eyes blink slowly, but she is frozen. Too scared to move. Too scared to stay where she is. Her body trembles as she feels the weight of the scopes, scanning the best place to plant the bullet that could lead to her demise.

Her only path is dark and overgrown with underbrush. She could hide well, but there are even scarier things waiting for her there. Creatures with sharpened teeth and razor-like claws who wish to rip her tender flesh from her body are concealed from the light of the day.

Her body shudders slightly, visible only to those closest to her. She slowly turns, allowing her body to block others who stand as terrified as she.  She bares her neck to the ones holding the guns. The ones who would kill her with one shot. She is willing to lie bleeding out on the forest floor to protect those who aren’t as willing to die as is she.

She hears the soft sighs of the hunters as she waits for the bullet to pierce her flesh. She turns slowly to look at the hunters…one at a time. She nickers softly, encouraging the others to flee and not return for her. She is willing to meet her fate. After all, no one will miss her. She is nothing to them. Just another trophy for their wall and meals for their families.

She hears a man call something. With a deep breath, her long lashed eyes close. She hears men’s laughter as she opens her eyes to find the darkest haired of the men making his way toward her, his hand outstretched, reaching to run his fingers over her trembling body. He speaks in such a low and calming manner as he strokes his hands over her. She feels her body leaning into him, begging him for more. The one wild creature in the forest that aches for the touch of man. The touch of THIS man.

His friends are teasing him as he slowly runs his long fingers of her. He smiles and her heart melts. Today she will not die in the way she anticipated. Instead she will die because this man will merely carry her heart with him as he walks away. And he will walk away. They all walk away. She is a wild creature not meant to be loved in any capacity. She is merely for men’s entertainment and amusement. She is not meant to have forever. She is only meant for the here and now.

The man coaxes her to follow him and the wild in her heart aches to be free. He does not understand that wild things aren’t made to be domesticated simply because they’re terrified of having their spirits broken.

Again, he whispers murmurs of love. Her heart races because there is nothing she wants more than to be loved by this man. However, he like the others will hurt her. He’s a man. He doesn’t know any other way to be. But, god, this man. This man she wants to love more than the others before him. He teases her to follow him towards the edge of the clearing.

His friends continue to tease and laugh. In her heart, she knows they’re laughing at her stupidity and willingness to give herself over to him for one more stroke of his hands over her. She tried to tune them out and just enjoy the moment. The man then laughs and shoos at her. “Stupid woman! Did you really think I’d love you?”

She feels her heart shatter into a millions pieces and tears fall from her big doe-like eyes. The droplets cling to her lashes as she looks at him, her wounded heart glistening in her eyes. She slowly turns to walk into the dense underbrush, praying to be devoured by the dark creatures with fangs and claws. It would be so much easier than the slow death of falling in love.

-GKM-6192020

Loyalty, Smoyalty

*Steps on soapbox* *taps mic* 

I've been accused many times of being a June Cleaver in a Kim Kardashian world.  And it seems that is only becoming more and more true.

Today, the lesson is about loyalty and commitment. 

We have become a throw away society in so many ways. It isn't just about the convenience of items in our life. It is also about the convenience of people. It doesn't matter how close or distant they are. It doesn't matter if they are a hard worker and loyal to a fault. It becomes about convenience.

This week, I've received an eye opening revelation of what loyalty means to people in my life. It became a point where I actually began to question myself and my values. 

I realize I was raised differently than most people. I was raised to be loyal to your job, your friends, and to your mate. However, I've learned that people who claim to be your friend aren't always telling the truth. Spouses cheat and lie. And your job? Well, your job is never a sure thing. 

I got a very tough lesson and it is one that I will not soon forget. I've been told so many times how valuable I am, but it turns out that I'm not as valued as I was told. Someone whose opinion I valued revealed their true colors and their opinion of me is not as they once claimed. 

Why? Turns out that because I've slightly inconvenienced this person in order to take care of myself and mine, their opinion became one filled with malice and hate. This person turned on me in a way that I never dreamed they could or would.

For a moment (or more like the last day), I've questioned myself and doubted myself. However, what I have discovered is that what I did had nothing to do with how this person feels. But I'm a means to an end for this person. People like me. People within this forum sincerely like me. And I've sheltered this person from the anger for such a long time that they believe that I'm disposable. 

Again, I was raised to believe that people are never disposable. And once you make me feel like I am, then you are on your way out of my circle. Making me doubt myself and my values pushes you even further out. 

One thing I have learned many times of my years on this planet is that money makes people do stupid things. One of these things is often to believe that people are simply throw away. 

I may not be as smart as someone else. Maybe I could work harder or be more dedicated. When it comes to my passion, I am. However, when I have to work to create and build someone else's dream only to find myself being degraded and devalued, then I find myself question where my loyalty should actually lie.

And here is the answer...myself. That is where my loyalty should and will lie. I have a very tight circle of friends and family who love me unconditionally. They, too, have my loyalty. But that's where it ends. No longer will I put my loyalty in people who can't see my value or who make me feel like I'm less than because I am doing what I need to survive. 

Because survive I will. And I will soar higher than I ever dreamed...all on my own wings. 

Life is Good

How is everyone? I'm praying you and yours are all doing well. I'm still standing and counting the blessings that grace my world.

I started a new blog. I celebrated a birthday. I sat in my sadness over the anniversary of my father's death. I've got on with life and taken a deep breath over the opening up of my world again.

I haven't been into an actual store since March and I'm finding that I don't really miss it. I have a local store that I miss, but, in general, I'm just don't care. I order my groceries online and pick them up on my designated day at my designated time. Anything else I need can either wait or I will order it and have it delivered to the house. The dogs love it! They know when their food is delivered and they get so excited to see the boxes. 

Did I tell you I adopted 2 dogs? I don't think I did. My boss and friend knew my heart hurt over losing Diesel. She knew of 2 dogs who needed love, attention, and training. I hesitated simply because neither of them had ever been in the city, let alone a house. I was worried that this would be more than I could handle. I'd managed to train the other dogs because I'd been home full-time. Working full-time would make this dynamic an interesting one. So, just before Halloween 2019, I drove the 30 minutes to pick up these boys. Jaxson is a Jack Russell terrier who hated to be picked up and really didn't want a lot to do with me. Opie, on the other hand, is a blue heeler/border collie mix. (Yeah, energy enough to fuel a small city.) He has been a tryer of my patience. However, he's a good boy who is finally settling into a much more comfy life. Wanna see a picture?

As you can see, they're having an AWFUL time adjusting. LOL The little one is finally learning to snuggle and it just warms my heart. He has been giving kisses and will let me hug him when the mood strikes him. And the big oaf? Well, he's never had an issue with being loved and adored. Walking on a leash? That's a whole different ball game. *eye roll*

Back to the topic of conversation. I have been working through all of this mess, so I'm blessed more than others. With unemployment being a mess and people being out of work, I am so glad to be still working and getting a steady paycheck. I know of small business owners who are being hit so hard right now and it breaks my heart. 

And I've opened up a couple of my Word docs to work on my writing. Don't know how far I'll get, but it feels good to stretch my fingers across the keyboard and let the characters come back to life.

So, tell me, how are you faring? You have all been covered in my prayers and will continue to be covered in them as we test the waters of reopening the country, our states, our cities...our lives. Be safe. Be healthy. Be kind.

Mother's Day

This is a very special holiday, but this year, it will be a much different holiday for some families. This quarantine is messing with so many things and this is just another one of them.

Doesn't mean we can't still celebrate the women who have loved us through the scraped knees, the broken bones, and the shattered hearts. For putting up with the nonsense children put them through and the craziness that their adult children cause. 

They still manage to love us through it all. That takes a love deeper than most of us will ever know unless we have children of our own. 

So, to all of the women out there, especially those who are working from home while supporting their children with schoolwork and are managing to keep their sanity, we see you! And you don't have to be perfect for your children to love you.

Like I told my mom the other day, she built a home on love, faith, and hard work. And that love made me one of the richest kids in the world.

Holding Space

The other day I was having a conversation with a friend. Things have been going fairly well, but there are things that are weighing on my heart. This world and the situation we find ourselves in isn't helping.

My friend told me to "Just sit in this situation for now. Get your balance. Build that foundation." And that was just the advice I needed.

My life isn't in a bad place. I'm financially doing just fine. I've got a few things on my plate, but nothing I can't handle. However, I need to deal with what's there before adding anything more. This means I need to hold space for myself for a little bit.

I'm working on letting go of things and people who no longer allow me to live my best life. I'm trying to release the past and live where I am. I'm finding the things I'm passionate about and letting them be what I focus on when my anxieties are riding high. Most of all, I'm learning to dream again. 

I wish I could explain to you how good that feels. I had given up on so many things lately. Instead of thriving where I was planted, I was surviving and only just. However, lately, I've been doing things I would never dream of doing before. I've signed up for a project that will take me so far out of my comfort zone that I can't see how I will return from it unchanged. I'm beginning to see the direction I want to steer this ship of mine. 

But for now, I'm allowing the waves to lap at my hull as I sit in the safe harbor where I'm anchored. And I'm holding space...for myself for a change. 

I'm so used to holding space for other people. So often, I just let my problems and my shit be pushed down so I can help those I love most. But if I have learned anything from this journey, I've learned that I cannot give from an empty cup. I cannot nourish you while starving myself. 

So, for now, I'm working on things that make me happy. (Including a new blog called "What Makes You Beautiful-Going Beyond the Looking Glass" It's a blog about finding your beauty at any age.) I'm allowing the dreams to come and who knows where I'll end up. I just hope you all stick around for the crazy journey!

Coronavirus 2020

How is everybody? I want to take a few moments to check in and let you know that if you need to open up, I'm here. It may take me a day or two to respond, but I read every comment/email and will get back to you.

I'm still working my day job though our office is closed to the public. As a seasonal worker, my concern is finding another day job with this #SaferAtHome thing going on. I still have bills and need to find a way to keep paying them.

I have family members and friends who are like family who have suppressed immune systems or health issues that have them living in fear for their very lives. 

I tell you all of this so you know that anxiety and depression is running at an all-time high in several areas of my world. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! This mess keeps us isolated from each other, but reach out!

I have a best friend who I am missing dearly. We still message every day. Isn't the same as sitting down and having a conversation, but it works for now. 

This time is a big struggle for many. Essential workers are struggling being away from their family members and dealing with people who just don't understand how dire this situation is. Non-essential workers are struggling with being isolated from the world at large.

If you can, get out in the sunshine and embrace nature, allowing Mother Earth to hold you tightly against her. If that isn't an option, don't spend all of your downtime in front of the television or on social media. Read a book. Write in a journal. Meditate. Love on your pets. Clean your space. 

If you go out into the world for whatever reason, you have, please remember to be kind. Nobody is happy with the state of the world at the moment. We are all dealing with internal struggles and we are simply humans. Showing patience and kindness harms no one.

You are loved. You are needed. You are doing just fine. And you are not alone in your feelings.

Let's Have a Conversation...

I've been away for longer than I intended. I thought I'd step back for a hot minute and it turned out to be much longer. But I also haven't had a lot to say. I've been writing. I've been working. I've been handling the shit Life has tossed at me. Something happened last week and I wanted to have a conversation.

There isn't a lot I share about my personal life on social media. Am I single? Am I married? Do I have kids? Do I not? If I passed you on the street, would you know me? Do you think you really know me simply because I post my thoughts or share memes that touch my heart? Please don't make assumptions like that! Unless we have had real conversations about the things in our lives that really matter, please don't ever think you truly know me.

So, I follow a page on Facebook. I love this page for the way it uplifts me and other women. It helps with my self-esteem issues. 

I made a comment. I make a lot of comments on the various posts. I even got bold enough to share a photo of myself on that page. And the one comment that got a reaction was one I made about my divorce. 

I had three guys message me. One asked if I could talk to him about how I got up the nerve to leave. The other two wanted things I just wouldn't provide them. I accepted the one message request and said "Hi!" 

I'm always up for helping people if I can. My story is simply my story. However, it what I've been through can help someone, I'm willing to share my survival. Then, this person sent me a picture. Of his dick! Uhm...I was on my lunch break at work. That wasn't what I wanted or needed to see. I mean, I understand he's proud of it, but from a female who has seen more impressive, I can't understand why. I thought about my response for a few minutes before I actually messaged him back. 

My first reaction was to immediately block his ass. My second response was to make a snarky, biting comment. The last response was the one I went with. I told him that I really didn't appreciate the picture. I, then, explained very nicely how I don't measure a man's worth on the size of what is in his pants. I think there are better qualities to measure a man's worth by. I went on to explain that as much I try not to judge people, I was judging him very harshly on the fact that instead of asking about me or asking about my story, he thought sending me that picture was acceptable social behavior. 

Then, I blocked his ass. 

For the men out there, trust me when I tell you that any dick pics you send us, we share with our girlfriends and usually have a good laugh over. (#TrueStory) Never said it was the right thing to do. However, if you think for a moment that women don't have conversations about this shit, you'd be wrong.
Also, please stop and think for a moment before you do something stupid.

My point to this rant is this: Never presume that because you read something a person posts on social media that you know them. I made a comment about my divorce, but that doesn't mean that I'm still single. Doesn't mean I'm not. Just means that I am divorced. Never think a woman wants to see your junk. Unless she specifically says, "Hey, show me what you got!" DON'T send that picture. 

We are all human beings worthy of respect and love. Just like most people only share their happy moments on social media, please don't think that people share every piece of their life. 
You want to get to know someone? Have a conversation. Never think you know them because of a post or picture you've seen.
Have a blessed week! Stay healthy and wash your hands. Be kind to one another.

I'll Always Remember You Young

This song has been playing on the radio a lot lately. It catches my ear, but I seldom hear all of the words simply because I'm lost in my own thoughts most days. However, the other day was a rough one. 

Christmas is always tough time, but this was the first one without my partner in crime, my rock, my best friend...my beautiful boy, Diesel. My heart has been a bit heavier this year. I've been missing my grandparents, my dad, Diesel, my cousin (and now his partner) and my mind has traveled across the ethereal plane, wondering if they are all okay.

The first time I remember asking my grandma how old she was, she answered, "I'm 53." She wasn't much older then than I am now. I cannot imagine Grandma coloring her hair wild colors and wearing the clothes I wear. But in my mind, she is forever 53. Playing ball with us kids, making date candy into dog turd shapes to give to her baby brother, and playing Chinese checkers on rainy Saturdays.

My grandpa is frozen in time as a younger man. Reminding me to hold my silverware like a lady, to not wear my cap so far down on my ears cuz "ladies don't have cauliflower ears", and buying his only granddaughter plastic collectible ponies for Christmas.

My parents will be forever in their thirties. Back when they were happy. Back before Dad's PTSD took over his life. Back when we were still a family.

My cousin will always be 18 (and I can hear him laughing). I remember his smile...god, how I loved him. Driving to town with him to pick up his paycheck, Billy Idol blasting on the radio, no cares in the world. 

I know my cousin, Beth, will laugh, but to me, she'll always be 16. Rimming my waterline with black eyeliner while Paul Stanley and Gene Simmons rocked out on the television in her parents' living room. She is the closest thing to a big sister I've ever had.

And my darling Diesel will forever be the puppy who loved to be carried to bed, sung "Baby Mine", and was the best friend a girl could ask for.

 

My friends are forever frozen in time at 18. When our futures were bright, life was simple, and the world was ours for the taking.

The other day, someone asked me what I was like when I was younger. I paused a moment or two and let my mind travel back in time. I wasn't much different than I am now. Ballsy. Full of sass. Full of spirit. I was the girl who hung out with the guys with jacked-up trucks on Main Street on Friday night, her best friend by her side. Driving backroads with the windows down and the music up loud. Seeing just how much trouble we could find. My nose wasn't always in a book, but pretty damn often. I dreamed of getting out of the one horse town and being someone special. I had big dreams and lofty aspirations. 

I've often wondered how people remember me. If they remember me at all. I'm sure I'm the bad guy to some, wounded to others, beautiful with an ugly heart/ugly with a beautiful heart, unlovable, untouchable, and I'm sure the list goes on. I just hope someone somewhere remembers me fondly as someone who gave her all. And always remembers me young!

Making Memories

I'm not a person for taking photos. I will take them of the dogs, but everything else falls by the wayside. A friend mentioned the other day that I'm too busy being part of the memories to worry about photographing them. This got me thinking. I have a lot of photographs from various family gatherings. However, my favorite memories live in my heart. 

Tis the season... And these days, I get lost in memories. I let the reminiscing carry me where it will since I believe that I'm supposed to learn from them. When this popped up in my feed the other day, my very favorite memory came to mind.

I was a little girl, probably around 8 or 9. Most of you know that I was a farmer's daughter. And it was a life that I loved more than anything. Of course, growing up on a dairy farm, life and death were always lurking about. Life was my favorite part. Better yet was the babies. Dreams of being a vet filled my days. My dad saw me. He really saw me and knew me better than most. 

It was a cold night. I was fresh from the bath and in my warm flannel nightgown. Dad was in the barn, waiting for a cow to give birth. Mom was getting my brother into his nightclothes when Dad called up from the barn. The cow was in labor and he thought I'd like to be there to see the calf come into the world. I remember Mom saying, "But she just got out of the bathtub." Whatever Dad said to her, I heard Mom say, "I'll send her down." I put on my winter barn boots and my winter coat before making the trek down to the barn. 

I close my eyes and I can still smell the warmth of the barn. The scent of warm milk mixing with the smell of the cows. To most people, the odors alone would make them roll their eyes. To me, it is home.

Anyway...Dad was leaning against the barn wall, waiting and watching. He had a thermos of coffee in case it was a longer night than he hoped. I remember the silence as I stepped in front of him and he hugged me tight as we waited. Eventually, he turned an old bucket upside down and had a seat, pulling me into his lap. We sat in complete silence as we watched the cow tremble and push. Slowly, the feet began to emerge and I held my breath. Dad smiled and rubbed my back, reminding me to breathe. Eventually, the calf, a huge bull, was born. Dad got up and cleaned the newborn, made sure he could stand, and let the new baby eat. Once mother and baby were bedded down for the night, we turned off the lights, then walked hand in hand back to the house.

No words were spoken between father and daughter that night, but volumes were said. And the most amazing memory was made. In that moment, I was seen as the person I was becoming.

It took over 30 years before I felt that way again...seen for who I was and who I was becoming. That memory began with a funny comment and the beautiful laugh that belonged to the man with the charismatic smile and that memory is for another day. And while this memory belongs solely to him and me, this song means so much to me because of the truth it holds.

An Exercise in Forgiveness

Last night, I watched a movie that hit me at the very deepest, darkest depths of my soul. It triggered emotions that I thought I'd buried deep enough that they'd never surface again. I sobbed and cried like I haven't sobbed and cried in a very long time.

I went to bed, tears still in my eyes. This morning when I woke up, it hit me hard. For the majority of my life, I've been expecting people to love me the way I needed to be loved. I didn't accept that they may be loving me the only ways they knew how.

I have always felt at a deficit because of this. Then, the man with the charismatic smile showed up and saw me. He really saw me and all that went with me. For the first time in my life, I didn't feel like a disappointment.  I didn't feel inadequate. I didn't feel like an embarrassment. I didn't feel like I was too much. I felt, for the first time in my entire life, like I was enough. 

I prayed for him for years. I prayed for that feeling for years. And when it arrived, I couldn't believe it was happening or that it would stay. I didn't recognize the contentedness. 

So, today, I'm releasing forgiveness into the universe. For being angry at people who loved me in the only ways they knew, for blaming others for my feelings, for the apologies that have/will never come, and for myself, for allowing these things to keep me from seeing love when it arrived. 

I write this to encourage you to forgive those who have done wrong by you, whether intentionally or unintentionally. It is not an excuse for keeping toxic people in your life. It is an agent to help with the healing of your heart and moving forward in a positive manner.

Love and light to you all!

No Such Thing as Coincidence

I have pondering a lot of things lately. Like why things have happened the way they have, why I took a left at Albuquerque instead of that right, why I work this horrific retail job, why I met the man with the charismatic smile, just the fun stuff in life, ya know?

I didn't encourage my ex-husband to take the job in Groton, Connecticut because I needed to make sure we couldn't fix what was broken. If we had moved there, well, things would definitely have been different. *G* And the man who lived in Groton had to live his life first.

I went back to school and moved to WI with my former friend because I had to learn to stand on my own two feet without help from anyone. I had to learn to believe in myself.
By going to the college that I chose, I met the man with the charismatic smile, who changed my life more than he will ever understand. He saw beauty where I could only see the ugliness, brilliance where I only saw stupidity, and hope where I only saw despair. And love beyond all compare.

My dearest and bestest friend told me that the reason I work the horrific retail job was to meet her, and I don't think she's wrong. Because I met her and my life changed for the better. We have this bond that is unreal some days. We feed off each other's emotions (good and bad) and share a wicked sense of humor. She's one of those people I would have forever missed had I never met her.

The horrific retail job also led me to the office job that I adore. One night, a customer walked in and changed my life. She took me from receptionist to office manager, giving me opportunities that I would never have anticipated. She allows me to shine and pushes me to be better.

Things have been happening lately that have me wondering if things will ever work out. I have been questioning if God/the universe/the fates will ever untangle this mess. I wonder why the things happening are happening and none of it makes sense to me. However, if this blog shows anything, it seems that the Powers that Be really do know what they're doing. I may have found the man with the charismatic smile in Groton, but we had to wait until we were both in Wisconsin first. Because I had to be here to find a horrific job that led me to my dearest friend and the job I adore. 

The people who arrive in your life are meant to be there. Whether it is a lesson, a reason, or a season, they are there to help you on this journey. After all, (and I heard this quote for the first time the other day) "We're all just walking each other home." (Quote by Ram Dass)

Strength

I have a few friends who are going through some tough stuff at the moment. Because I am their friend, my shoulder is always available for them to lean on. I'm not going to discuss their issues here because it isn't my business to discuss, but I will say that in most of the cases...been there, done that.

The funny thing is that these friends don't know each other, yet their responses are the same, "I wish I had your strength." And I laugh. However, I thought maybe you all needed to hear this, too, so a blogpost was born.

I wasn't born strong. Strong-willed, yes, but strong, no. This is strength that was born of fire. I had to walk through it to be this strong. This is born of years of struggling. I didn't come from much. I was never given much. Everything was earned by sweat, blood, and tears. I watched my parents struggle. Fighting to survive. Life was never easy and I would certainly not be the person I was if it had been. I've spent years walking through the fire of Life. Determining that I wanted to survive. Battling the elements and the demons that fought to keep me down. I spent 20 years battling my own dragons with no knight in battered armor to defend me. I learned to wield a sword and battle them myself.

Someone has told me that my backbone of steel could only be forged by the fire of battle. I chuckle because I've always thought I was simply made this way. I've never thought I was forged in the fire. However, I have always pictured myself as a phoenix, rising from the ashes. Beautiful, flame-colored plumage that glistens in the sun and catches droplets of water in the rain.

Life is seldom fair and we spend more time in the storms of Life than walking on sunshine. Strength comes from the storms more than the sun. It's there, deep within you. Show the world that you aren't their bitch! Live life on your terms!

And when the storms of Life rage around you, take off your shoes and dance in the rain!

Retrograde of Mercury

I don't know if you are a believer in Mercury Retrograde and the chaos that ensues and it really doesn't matter. I hold a half-hearted belief in it. I believe the universe and all it holds can conspire against us, but I also believe that beliefs can fuck up your world more than any other cosmic entity.
This all being said, let me say, I read that my past would come back to haunt me. A past that too often needs to stay buried.

In a matter of days, I had gotten a friend request from someone I never dreamed I'd hear from again. Not sure if this connection is a good thing or a bad thing. I was, then, messaged by my ex-husband who, as always, is up to no good and is hell-bent on attempting to ruin any relationships he can. He is not and will not be successful. After all, misery loves company and I refuse to wallow in the misery he stirs up. Shortly thereafter, an old friend showed up in my DM's. He wondered if he could stop in and say "hi." It was nice to see him...a friendly face from a time when I was a different person. Not sure he found the woman he was expecting, but it was nice to see him. Before the week was out, this friend's wife popped up in my DM's and our sisterhood was reignited. 

Our friendship has always been there, but life...it gets in the way. We've both been led to believe things we should have honestly checked out with the other. Now, our friendship has caught fire and I cannot begin to express the happiness she's brought back to my days. Conversations that lead to giggling like we are teenagers again. 

And I've been considering making a trip back to my hometown. I'm not sure why (okay, I want my damn cottage cheese and nut rolls!), but I'm feeling the need to return to my roots for a visit. I have no plans at the moment and I'm not sure if it will be a few days or a few hours. I'm just mulling things over in my mind. I do know that at some point I am going to get my toes back in the sand and water of Lake Michigan. 

Maybe I need to say a final goodbye to a chapter of my life that is truly closed. I know I've had to close (and lock) the door on a few people from my past. Other doors needed to be reopened and my past allowed to come back in to be part of my present and my future. 

I know I've been making a lot of changes in my life and becoming more of the woman I used to be. The one who could be a little reckless and free. The wild woman who danced barefoot in the wildflowers. The one who opened her heart with reckless abandon and loved with her whole heart. There are a few people in my life who are owed that. Including myself. I need to remember the girl I used to be because I really did like who she was. She was fun and usually up for anything. It's time to find her buried in the rubble of a failed marriage, the rabble of collapsed self-confidence, and let her back out to shine. 

Life isn't always easy and sure as hell is never fair, but I like to think I've learned the lessons I've needed to learn from the people to whom I've said "Farewell." And I can say with all sincerity I will never paint my future with the stiffened bristles of the brush used to paint my past...at least, I promise to try not to. 

It's My Life...

Hold onto your hats because I am about to hit my soapbox again!

Let me say this for everyone to hear: STOP SHAMING WOMEN! And for those of you in the back who may have missed that: STOP SHAMING WOMEN!!!!!

I am turning 47 in a short while. 47 does not mean that my vagina is ready to be closed up and seen as a decoration only. 47 does not mean that I have to give up my dreams. 47 does not mean that I have to act like an old woman, change the way I wear my hair, dress in muumuus and house slippers, and god forbid, forget about sex! 

I am so sick of seeing the women in my life, including myself, being shamed for dressing in jeans, t-shirts, and tennis shoes. Being shamed for dating men who are younger, enjoying sex, and enjoying the life we have been given.

And who are the people doing shaming? It's women! So, again, let me say this for those of you in the back: Women are allowed to do whatever they damn well please! We do not need YOUR permission to wear clothes we like, do our hair the way we want to, have sex partners who are younger than we are, or love our bodies. 

So a word of advice: Don't tell women they are unable to do the things they want to do. If someone asks your opinion, then give it. If they don't ask, keep your damn mouth shut. If it isn't coming from a place of sincere love, then hush.

I have had to give up a lot of things to get where I am. It may not be perfect and it may not be where I want to be at the end of things, but this is MY life. These are my decisions, for better or worse. You don't have to like them or even support them. You just need to keep your mouth shut unless I specifically ask you for your advice. I don't look 47. I don't act 47. I don't dress like I'm 47. I don't color my hair like I'm 47. I don't feel 47. And I will be damned if I'm old before my time.

*Steps off my soapbox* Please hear what I'm saying and apply it to your life. It will make things so much better, I promise.